The Abolition of the Gospel

A speech to Progressives

We on the port side have enjoyed some victories. Let us raise a glass.

Oh, I know, some of you view these recent regressive legislative actions as a setback. The so-called “religious freedom” laws passed in Indiana and Arkansas can be perceived as a blow to our cause. But these are only temporary battles, small losses on the way to stupendous wins.

Look how quickly our allies have come to our rescue! Look how swiftly the voices and fists of Progress have risen up and embarrassed the backward Christians! All of our forces – the media, academia, labor, politicians – are in full readiness, to be marshaled against the enemy. We are in exciting times.

I urge you, comrades, to keep your eyes on the prize! While it is indeed gratifying to put the squeeze on recalcitrant Christian bakers and florists, and watch them squirm and die, remember the goal – the abolition of the gospel. Imagine a bright future, free of calls to “repent”!

How do we reach this wondrous tomorrow, friends? Remember that the task before us is to clear the public space of this pernicious evil, this awful notion that people can change what they are born to be. We must purge from the public mind the stupid and unbearable phrase “born again” – as if human organisms could actually become new persons through some mere affirmation! We must scour out every last vestige of sexual repression and Victorian modesty, anything that impinges upon our liberty. That is our objective. A bright future of unhindered moral and sexual autonomy awaits us, if we remain steadfast.

As you know, our next target, the big game now coming into the cross-hairs, is these large churches with nice buildings. As a matter of strategy I would recommend we target evangelical churches first, rather than Catholic ones. (Catholics, we find, tend to muster tremendous popular support when directly attacked, due to their deeper roots.) Visit the largest evangelical church in your municipality. Listen to a few messages first, to get a flavor for the odious and obnoxious anti-gay agenda they are relentlessly promoting. Talk to some of the people, to get a sense of the hatred and anger oozing from them. Then, make a few phone calls. Inquire as to the facility’s availability for an upcoming nuptial ceremony. After some time, mention casually that the ceremony is for a same-sex couple. Inevitably, the church representative will offer an awkward silence, then politely decline. This is your moment. End the call. Reach out to your media contacts. It’s “go time.” Arrive at the church with a TV cameraman or reporter along (trust me, they’re down with the struggle, all of them), and get the pastor’s refusal on record. Then, sit back and enjoy the backlash. Politicians will rally to your side. The media will give your cause hours and hours of free PR, and always sympathetic. One of their greatest skills is their ability to make your opponents look foolish. Let them do that. The pastor and his minions will try to rationalize. They will insist on making a distinction between their unwillingness to perform a ceremony and their feelings toward the people requesting it. They will try (pathetically) to separate what they call “the sin” and “the sinner.” You do not need to respond to this. The press (true allies, but largely thickheaded) will be unable to parse such fine distinctions, so you can be confident that none of it will filter through to hoi polloi.

In this battle, often our best allies are the liberal churches. They are the useful idiots in our cause, because they radiate an aura of credibility and friendly compromise. Find a pastor of such a church, a kindly old man or woman who is articulate. There is no better person to put in front of the TV cameras. It is like deadly neurotoxin to an evangelical.

If all goes well (and we fully expect it will), our friends in the government will respond to media pressure (I hesitate to say “popular pressure,” because our numbers are so few, but luckily the media kaleidoscopically increases our apparent numbers and influence). They will do what we ask: revoke tax-exempt status of churches that refuse to submit. Revoke their license to perform marriages under the State. Confiscate their property. Seize their assets.

“Shut them up and shut them down” is our motto.

This will take time. The battle will rage, but the momentum is with us. Stand firm. Use your Phrasebook. “Hate” turns out to be a very useful word. Concede nothing. Victory is certain. Pretty soon, that pastor and his benighted, backward, mouth-breathing followers will be out on the street and you (as a bonus) will have that nice building! And one more pesky, annoying voice screeching “repent” will be thankfully silenced.

So I say, stay the course. Be confident. History is on our side. Together we shall have victory.

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